— a description of a dirty city street and a man stumbling toward her, hand outstretched, eyes vacant, a plastic tube protruding from his chest and visibly extending, beneath the surface in the other direction, down to his stomach. His skin and chest was swollen w/mucus and pus. Obviously, she said, a far cry from sanitary medical aid + conditions. She saw a dead man bobbing in a river beneath a bridge, the noose still tightened + fraying around his swollen neck. Other atrocities… A dog eating the shit from a small boy’s anus. I don’t know. I just kept sucking lines of speed and wishing it were proper cocaine.

I guess I like Kim the most, for what that’s worth. She’s so stable. And (as my Tahoe chum liked to say) … so on time. And she likes to party; oh, does she party. She’s cool and rad. Could I grow, then, to find her alluring, beautiful? Perhaps she’s a lesbian anyway, not that it matters (remember my goddam pledge not to go there!). Besides, how dare I write + cast judgement on anyone? On the other hand, how dare I not? It’s a simple opinion type thing, jotted in the journal, perfect fodder for a never-read, is it not? But people? Who am I to categorize classify, catalogue, etc. Well, she’s not beautiful… not like the women on the billboards. But even the women on the billboards are not like the women on the billboards, we all know that. Anyway, I think she’s sexy in another way. She has a beautifully expressive smile that crinkles her whole face and exposes delightfully crooked teeth. How hurt would she be to read this? And would + should that matter to me? What if she had written the same about me? Allow me to do it for her…

‘He’s got a big nose. He’s almost good looking in a preppy way but the Jewishness throws it off. Is he losing his hair?! He seems entirely asexual, regardless. Maybe he’s gay… We click, sort of, but then no more so, really, than I do with everyone else.’

Hum. Thanks a lot Kim, appreciate that insight…

A new notebook has been cracked. Devirginized. Begun.